We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
