I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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