So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
