You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
