her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
