I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
