my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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