Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
