On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
