i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
