so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
