I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
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