We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
