I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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