im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
