margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
only if we run a train.
done.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
