you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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