Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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