my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
