I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
