consequently i now know what mace tastes like
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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