its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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