You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
