My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
