"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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