Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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