Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
