he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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