I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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