I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
