This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
