I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
last night I used snow as a chaser
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
