If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
