Having a random hookup so left but love u
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
