if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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