I feel great
I just peed on a car
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
