I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
