the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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