This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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