you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
