I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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