You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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