I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
