Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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