Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
