Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
