WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
