this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
