We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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