Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My vagina just recognized that song.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So vagazzling was a success
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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