so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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