I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
