you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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